


Unborn.

by EmmyGreene



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alexandria Safe-Zone, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Beth Greene Lives, F/M, Heartache, Heartbreak, I'm Sorry, Loss, Miscarriage, One Shot, Other, Pregnancy, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-26 01:47:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12546072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmmyGreene/pseuds/EmmyGreene
Summary: Daryl reflects on one of the hardest days of his life, attempting to cope with the loss of their unborn child.





	Unborn.

**Author's Note:**

> This is honestly just really depressing and I'm not sure if I've done the right thing or not in writing this.
> 
> Really, I think I just needed to use them to work through some of my own pain. I was hoping for a more optimistic ending but sometimes in life everything does just feel a little hopeless, even for someone like Beth. I don't even know if writing this out has helped me or not but there were a lot of tears as I wrote which was very cathartic. Not gonna lie, I haven't gone back to proofread or edit so please ignore any mistakes. 
> 
> Finally, please don't read if you are really sensitive to pregnancy loss/miscarriage.

They sat there together in the dark, tears streaming down her cheeks and rolling slowly down his. It had been a long day and night, too long. The earth beneath them felt cold and damp, it had rained heavily earlier but now the night was still and silent, save for her sobs.

‘Thank you’ she finally whispered to him. He didn’t have any words for this moment, how could anyone? Instead he raised his right arm inviting her back in, to close the space between them so they could get through this together. He felt the warmth of her immediately and his aching heart began to steady. He still had her, they would still be them. Looking around their makeshift cemetery, where too many were buried, he had to be thankful for that. And yet it was hard to be thankful for anything right now. Too many of their loved ones lay in the ground around them, too many good people, too many children, though none had hurt quite like this.

It began in the early hours of the morning. Or more accurately, it ended. He shuddered as that thought crossed his mind. Daryl wasn’t sure if it was her whimpering that woke him up, or the damp blood that had spread across their sheets, but he was pulled from sleep into a nightmare, and that was saying something given the reality they lived each day.  She hadn’t wanted to move at first, she just lay there howling into her pillow, doubled over and he’d never felt more unsure of himself in his life. He didn’t have time to register his own heartbreak, he was too consumed with hers. He held her tightly and stroked her arm. He whispered he loved her over and over again. It wasn’t enough, of course it wasn’t enough.

‘It hurts’ she’d said, over and over. He’d assumed she meant her heart until she sprang from the bed and locked herself in the bathroom. He gave her her space, giving himself time to process what was happening in her absence. It was undeniably a miscarriage, their baby was gone. That miraculous second pink line and beating heart on the sonogram were just memories now, painful ones. He hadn’t realised just how much he wanted to be a Daddy until he saw that little heartbeat flicker on the screen. He fell head over heels in love with her all over again, with them. Now they’d never know if it was a boy or girl, blonde or brunette. He’d changed the sheets and his clothes before he sought her out. Still sobbing in the bathroom she’d opened the door and asked him to hold he in the shower. She clung to him as the warm water washed over them, a constant stream of blood swirling down the drain.  They stayed that way until the water ran cold and then she froze up. She pointed to a Kleenex box on the bathroom counter.

‘The baby’s in there’ she’d whispered, before breaking down all over again. He’d wrapped her in a robe, he wasn’t even sure whose but it was ruined now. He’d all but carried her back to their room and dressed her, awkwardly placing the maxi pad in her panties. She’d zoned out heavily, she co-operated but she wasn’t talking. He’d tried to stay calm. He wanted to be strong for her. The last thing he wanted was her to see him cry, to see him break down. She was fragile, slightly unstable, had been ever since she survived a shot to the head. He’d loved and cherished her every minute of every day since then. He’d endured sleepless nights and countless tears. He’d caught her sleepwalking, self harming. It had been a long process but they’d turned a corner twelve months ago, enough that he’d agreed to try for a baby. _This_ baby. He placed her in the bed and she gestured for the box. He handed it to her and she held it close against her chest. He’d tried to sit beside her but she shook her head.

‘Ya wanna be alone?’ he’d asked and she’d nodded. He didn’t want to leave her but he couldn’t defy her wants either. He’d left the room and sat at the door for an hour, listening out for her. All he heard was sobbing until the sun rose and Michonne returned from watch, to find him there. She’d offered to sit with him but he declined, he wanted to be alone. Instead she took their sheets and promised they’d be thrown away, she woke up Rick who set out to the Hilltop for the doctor, just in case. Together they’d peered through the door to find Beth asleep, that box still at her heart.

‘I’ll listen out for her’ Michonne offered giving Daryl the freedom to leave, to sort himself out elsewhere.

He hadn’t wanted any of them too see him breakdown. It shouldn’t matter anymore, not after all they’d been through but his pride was strange like that. He didn’t want their sympathy, their kindness because he felt it belonged to Beth. He was devastated but this was her tragedy. For years they’d watched her with Judith, with Maggie’s son, with any other baby or small child they encountered. She was a natural, nobody deserved to be a Momma more than her. He snuck over the wall and headed into the woods, just deep enough to be out of sight, though he knew Rosita and Heath would have seen him leave. He sat against a tree, where he always found comfort. No matter what went wrong in the world, the woods had always been there for him. Other kids locked themselves in their rooms or hid under the covers but he’d always sought solace out here, away from it all. Deep down he knew this was going to hit him eventually but still his mind was consumed by thoughts of her. What could he do to help her? What if she wasn’t alright? He lost interest in his smoke, to agitated to let it calm him and instead found himself pressing it into the back of his hand. It had been a long time since he’d fallen prey to this kind of behaviour, not since the last time he’d thought he lost her. Admitting defeat he’d climbed back into Alexandria, ignoring everyone he passed until he reached their room, reprieving an exhausted Michonne from her watch.

Beth’s eyes were closed but she wasn’t asleep, he could tell by her breathing. Gingerly he approached the bed, afraid she’d reject him again. She didn’t but she didn’t acknowledge him either. A glass of water with painkillers sat on her nightstand, untouched.

‘Beth, ya feelin’ Ok?’ he’d asked. It sounded stupid the moment it left his lips and he hated himself for failing her. He was awkward at the best of time, he relied on her to fill in the gaps when words failed him. Now he was on his own and that hadn’t happened before, not when it came to them. No matter how distant she was, she’d never shut him out.

She ignored his question, scrunching her eyes closed. He was unsure whether his presence was wanted or not but he’d stayed because he had to. He watched the rise and fall of her shoulders, exaggerated by her gentle sobs. Her hair had begun to dry curly and wild. Normally he loved that but today it only worked to make her look smaller against it. She was as pale as the white pillow she lay on, save for her puffy red eyes and it broke his heart to look at her. He felt so useless. It had been that way most of the day.

The Doctor came and assured everyone she would be Ok, it happened more often than people realised, it was nobody’s fault, there was nothing they could have done. He heard the words but he couldn’t believe them. Beth spoke to the doctor, on the black and white of it all. Once they were left alone she went silent again. Indicated she wanted to be left alone once more.

Daryl had paced the hallway for over an hour. He didn’t want to be far away but he had no idea how he could help, what he could do. He was hands on and practical. He wanted to fix things but there was nothing he could do to fix this. Finally Rick had pulled him aside, asked him how he felt. He couldn’t answer, not out loud. He realised he couldn’t articulate what he was feeling to anyone other than Beth, and that wasn’t fair on her right now. Eventually it was Carl, interrupting  them that gave him the idea.

‘We bury the ones we love’ he’d said and Daryl couldn’t believe he hadn’t already thought of that. He told Carl to fetch Father Gabriel.

‘We’re gonna have a funeral’ he said to Beth, his voice sounding firmer than he’d intended. She stopped moving, so he knelt down beside her, stroking her hand and tried again, softer.

‘I mean, if ya’d like, we should have a funeral’ he said. He couldn’t help himself at that moment, he move his hand from hers and stroked the Kleenex box. He had no desire to look inside, just knowing was enough. He handled it gently then looked at Beth again, her eyes finally focusing on him, showing some response.

‘I’d like that’ she whispered, ‘I’ve named them, Charlie’

‘Charlie?’ he echoed

She nodded against her pillow ‘it works both ways’

That was all it took to make his eyes mist over, something as simple as a name.

‘Can, can I have a little while longer?’ Beth asked.

He nodded and continued to sit there as ever so quietly she began to sing.

He couldn’t name the song but he knew the words, he’d heard Beth sing it to all the babies before this one. He sat there at her bedside, listening, trying his hardest to keep it together.

‘love ya’ he whispered when she was finished.

For the rest of the afternoon, she stayed in bed. He checked in on her, he composed himself. He sought out a collared shirt to wear and hunted around Alexandria for a wooden box. He found it in Aaron and Eric’s garage, an old wine crate. News travelled fast around a community this small and he hadn’t had to explain. All he’d asked for was a box and they’d helped. Eric set out to gather flowers, a luxury they didn’t always have. Aaron sat silently with Daryl who stared at the crate with a sinking feeling.

‘Needs a blanket’ he said and made that his next mission. They raided their linen closet until they found a soft polar fleece throw rug, lime green. Daryl stood there slowly stroking it and without hesitation, Aaron tore it clean enough, until it was almost the size of the crate. Daryl spent too long fidgeting, trying to make it a perfect fit. He needed to keep his hands busy. Without a word to Aaron he’d headed for the kitchen and retrieved a sharpie. He wanted to label the crate, the way he’d once watched Beth label Judith’s crib. He’d picked out ‘Lil Ass Kicker’ and now she had picked Charlie. His hand shook as he went to place the tip of the marker against the wood. Watching, Aaron stepped forward and brushed his hand away.

‘What do you want it to say?’ he’d asked softly.

‘Charlie’ Daryl muttered, then watched as Aaron wrote along the side of the crate in perfect lettering ‘Charlie Dixon’.

He’d sobbed involuntarily at that, his heart finally shattering the way he’d been waiting for all day. There wasn’t anything else he needed, nothing practical to do. The plain truth was he’d spent the afternoon assembling a make shift coffin for his unborn child. He fell against the wall and sank to the floor, Aaron joining him. When Eric reappeared with a small bunch of wildflowers, it was time to leave.

He’d dressed in front of a trembling Beth, then helped her into black leggings and a sweater. Her hands were shaking, she felt clammy beneath his skin. He maintained his composure, she couldn’t know about his breakdown. He presented her with the crate and she’d let out a cry, placing the Kleenex box inside and covering it completely in the blanket.

‘It’s lovely’ she’d muttered. They walked to the cemetery with the box in her arms, her grip so strong her knuckles had turned white. Their family was there, waiting. He tried to look above them, at the tops of their heads rather than their sympathetic faces. He held her close as they listened to Gabriel speak. He mumbled his way through the Lord’s Prayer whilst she spoke loudly and clearly. Finally there was nothing left to do but place their box into the earth. Beth began to shake, almost frantic and somehow managed to breathe ‘I just want it to be us’.

He’d repeated her wishes to their family who had politely stepped away, heading back to their homes and leaving him there. He knelt to the ground and gestured to the Beth to pass the crate to him. Shaking, she joined him on the cold earth, the small hole before them seemed impossibly deep. There was no going back. Tears streamed down her face as she whispered a final something to their little Charlie and at that moment Daryl broke. He couldn’t maintain his composure anymore. He hated himself, he’d wanted to do this for her but he couldn’t.

‘Goodbye little one’ he sobbed into the box, before pressing his lips to the blanket. This released a fresh wave of tears from Beth but she moved her arm around his waist.

‘Let’s do it together’ she said, placing her hand on one side. He nodded and in unison they lowered it down, dropping their child into the earth.  He cried freely now, there was no point holding back. Somehow, it bought about a change in Beth. She’d been slow to respond, almost ghost like all day and now she sprang into action. Despite her tears, she reached for a handful of dirt, throwing it gently down, nodding at Daryl to do the same. He had, and then watched in awe as she picked up a shovel and slowly filled the grave in.  

Then she’d placed it down and sat beside him, thanking him of all things. Which was how they ended up here, his arm around her, their synchronised tears.

‘I’m so sorry Beth’ he whispered, turning to kiss her on the forehead. His lips brushed the puckered scar that bullet left behind. Guilt washed over him again, he hadn’t been able to protect her then just like he couldn’t now.

‘ ‘snot our fault’ she whispered and took a deep breath, trying to speak again before finally squeaking out ‘I once read that babies that aren’t born, they open their eyes and the first thing they see is Jesus’ her voice quickened and he could tell it was hurting her to speak.

‘I hope when Charlie opens their eyes, the first thing they see is my Daddy, my Momma close behind. They never got to be grandparents, they can hold our baby up there, until we can’.

Fresh tears rolled down his cheeks at the thought. He’d never believed in a heaven before. He knew Beth did but he firmly believed there was nothing after this world. But listening to Beth’s words, for the first time, he wanted to. It was comforting to think the little life they had created had gone to a better place, where there we no walkers or long winters, no food shortages or crazy men with guns or bats. To think of a tiny baby being held and loved by Hershel, who had been loved by both of them, it was the best thing he could think of… other than to think of that baby here in his arms that suddenly ached at the emptiness. He remembered the warm weight of Judith, of baby Rhee, and realised this ached wouldn’t go away until he held a child of his own someday.

Beth turned to him and offered the smallest small.

‘I’m bout to sound like a horrible wife, but I’m really glad you’re crying’ she mumbled.

He smirked but couldn’t answer, he was still too choked up.

‘All day, you were so tough and strong, so _Daryl_ and I just wanted you to cry with me, so I wasn’t alone. Then when you came in with that makeshift coffin, I remembered why I fell in love with ya to begin with’

He kissed her forehead again, she was the talker and he was content to listen, relieved to hear her voice beginning to return to normal. Or normalish, it felt like they could never really be normal again.

‘Thank you, for organising all of this, for saying goodbye’. She sobbed hard and he joined her. The wind howled through the trees and he was suddenly aware of how cold it had become.

‘Best head back inside’ he said quietly.

She nodded but leant down over the patch of dirt, placing her lips against it.

‘I will always love you’ she whispered to the ground. Daryl placed his hand out and rubbed it softly over the mound, smoothing it a little.

‘til next time’ he said then helped Beth to her feet. He wiped his hand clean on his jeans then ran his thumb over her lips, removing the earth from them.

‘Yer not in this alone’ he said moving now to wipe her tears.

She nodded ‘I know, it’s you an me against the world’

‘It is’ he said, pulling her close to his side. ‘You and me, always’

‘Forever’ she added, taking the first step back towards the house.


End file.
